It's been a year now, that's hard to believe!

I haven't written here for sometime now. I find it hard to do because the last thing I want to do is face it every day. This quote I saw in an email of his and makes be wonder - Life is too short to live the same day over. I have felt this way for so long now. I live the same day over and over. It makes me sad. I also wonder what this meant to him.

I just want to cry today. I have so much going on in my mind. I wish I could clean out my mind like one would do to a closet or cabinet. Toss out the things one dose not need or want any more. Just toss it out and move forward without giving it another thought. Thoughts and feels are not that easy to toss out. Having so much time on my hands does not help. I struggle with this, I watch him move forward with his life and know that I sit and watch mine stand still.

There is another quote I saw just yesterday that has me very upset. (What have I got to lose). It was in an email he sent to someone and they replied to him with - (OH WHAT THE HELL!!!! Im going for broke.....as you said, what HAVE i got to lose? * wink*). I guess he thought very little about me and what he would lose by his actions.

This email is from 2005, in fact it was just a few days before our anniversary. Why am I going back so far? Because I have no answers to the burning questions in my mind. I question why I just can't let go. I can't, I need to find peace for myself. I look for answers to the past in hopes of finding why this all happened in the first place. I wonder if I will ever have them or if I will ever feel free from the pain this has caused me.

I have given more than I get and now I want more. I know this could cause me to lose my marriage but he had needs and went where ever he wanted to, to fill them at any cost. I face the fact that it may be lost already or it may help me let go.

I had lost my access to him email back in February due to my adding his accounts to mine on my computer. I had no idea that he was no longer getting any of it because it was all coming to me. He gave me back this access on March 6th, after a long discussion about it feeling like a punishment for doing something wrong.

I had not been in his email since he took it away until yesterday. I went to just one of his accounts and looked back through his old emails, this time starting with the oldest stuff. Back when I first found my way into his email, almost a year ago I looked at the emails from the current day back to about 4 months. Since then I have only looked back from the current day to a few days past. I have forced myself to not search him out or look for trouble. But this is not why I look this week.

We talk more when I ask the questions or struggle with what has happened. I feel he may never just open up on his own. I feel he hasn't searched for the answers within himself, based only on what I see and hear from him. He may very well have searched and found or already know and not want to share it with me. I guess no more. I have stated my position to him, that I deserve better than what I have gotten from him in this marriage. I need and want the things he sought out in others but I want them with him.

She is healing......

Life can be funny. Not in a laughing way but how strange things work. It was only five months ago, yet five months felt like a lifetime. One can’t follow a guide line for what you go through or how things will be or work out. We all go down similar paths yet they can be so different. I read that it could take months, sometimes years or even a lifetime to get over your spouses infidelity. This shocked me to the point of never feeling right again. I was scared to think it would hurt so much for so long. How would I survive months, years of this pain and hard ache? I was not dealing well after just a few months.

So it’s funny that he would make a gesture to renew our vows a few weeks ago and I was thrilled beyond words. He could have been just trying to make good, but he was so moved when we stood there receipting our vows, the look on his face, the tears in his eyes and the way he was so moved by what he was saying to me. I believed him totally. I smiled uncontrollable I could feel his words through my whole body. I believe he meant every thing he said and that he will do right by me the rest of his life or mine. Every thing was so right last week and every thing since we arrived home.

One has to find the point of it being done, over and put things away in the past where it belongs. I will never forget what has happened after all it brought us so much closer. It was also a wake up call for the both of us. I will continue to work on me and in time I believe he will find answers to why this has happened to him and us. I no longer blame myself for what happened or think that it was done just to me. I can be loved and deserve to be loved. Things happen, life goes on and once you forgive someone they need to know you mean it. I do and I won’t punish him or myself any longer for something I can’t change. All I can really do is take care of me and be the best I can be. I am healing, I hope any one who reads this can find their way to a forgiving place and be happy any way they can. If two people are meant to be together it will work out.

Two steps forward, one step back.

I’ve been up since 3:30 AM. Sleep is a luxury I don’t have. A few weeks ago I had to see the psychiatrist at counseling and I was given an antidepressant. It has helped but it doesn’t take away the painful thoughts of his infidelity. I really did not want to take them but I am much calmer, not crying with every painful thought but the need to know things are still haunting me. I hate to go, I hate the place I have to go to and I hate that I have to take antidepressants because of what has happened but I will continue to go for me. I need this for me. I can only do what I need to for me anymore. That means take the med's, go to counseling and open up when I am there.

I have opened up a little about what I am going through without the words "he cheated". The counselor talked about relationships what makes them work and what makes them fail. I feel like she was trying to get me personally to open up. It worked. I have talked about trust, honesty and loyalty. I saw myself on the board under what makes a relationship work with two areas I need to work on. I saw him mostly on the side of fail with a few areas that did not fit him. There were some areas on the work side that did fit him as well. That gives me some hope for us.

One can not explain what it is like to any degree of full understanding, when your spouse cheats. Each and every one of us will react in similar ways but also very different. The only common thread is we were betrayed by infidelity.

I wouldn’t be in this place of mass confusion if he hadn’t cheated and that makes me even more upset. My lack of sleep, my crying, depression, low self worth are all multiplied by his actions. My obsession with what he has done over runs my mind. He dishonest ways has caused me to question every thing. I search for clarity in my mind and him any where I can.

I feel like I am trying to hard to get past this. My struggle these days is with myself. The steps I take, the set backs I face. I guess as long as I always move forward more than back I will get there. But where is there? I am not sure of this at this time but I will keep trying to learn from what I do. I have hope and have not given up on my life yet or my marriage. Some how it will all work out for the best for me.

Opening up on a higher level

I am stepping put on that limb today and adding this page from my personal journal to She Writes To Heal. Why? Because I have written about things after they have happened and my thoughts are clearer then, today it is raw, writing as I think, you can’t get any closer than this to my thoughts.

Today is our anniversary. I am lost and I feel the need today more than ever to know why this happened. I search internet journals, knowing I won’t find his lost journal but hope to understand him more. He said he had a journal he was writing online and someone responded to him, they had a connection because they were both unhappy. He said they emailed each other and talked on the phone.

Why had he not come to me when he was in such a bad place in him life? I want to know what he was going through to cause him to cheat. He must have been in a lot of pain but was he? Was he just selfish? He could have made so many other choices so why this one? I don’t see him suffering by this, why does he not open up to me. Has he not truly gone to the place of acceptance of what he has done.

Am I that unapproachable. Have I shown him in the past that I would be so judgmental to him that he won’t open up? Or is he just going through life alone, giving only as little as necessary. I wish I could shut off my mind for the day and enjoy him. But I can’t help thinking he can’t, won’t or doesn’t know how to be in a personal relationship. What is he afraid of?

I feel he needs to go to counseling more than I. I know right from wrong when it come to marriage and commitment to one person. I have shared more of myself to him than he has to me. Are guys really not deep, feeling human beings. I know he has feelings, I have seen them in him for other people. His tender side, his compassion to strangers is more obvious than his feeling towards me. I need him to show me his inner most personal self.

In counseling yesterday we talked about talking to other the way we want to be talked to and treating others the way we want to be treated. I have always treated him with love and I once told him if I treated him the way he treated me, he wouldn't like me. If I stop sharing myself with him and thought only of myself, how far would we drift apart? I can't beg him to share himself with me and I can't keep trying to repair the damage alone. I feel I must let go of things and see what happens.

It is never easy

This is by far the hardest thing to deal with in my life. I feel like I lost a huge part of myself along the way. I struggle with the thoughts of his infidelity and what it has done to my sense of self worth, security and all over well being. How do you do this to someone your in love with! I spin out of control this week and have gotten to the point of seeking out personal counseling.

I have been obsessed with what he has done and maybe still doing. It’s hard not to be, when you look at what I do know and what I don’t know. It is also even harder to face that this, went on for as long as it did and I didn’t see it. I feel like the last several years have been a lie, they were and it is harder to now know what is the truth.

In counseling, I am hoping to find the woman I once was and hoping to be better than this woman I lost so long ago. I feel pretty good about the decisions I have made for myself today. I focus on myself and hold on to hope that he will make the necessary changes for himself. At some point one needs to make the decision to let go and heal oneself. I will try harder to heal myself and move forward with my life no matter what the out come is.

He has shown some good changes in the past weeks. I have had to open myself up to see these and to be more aware of them. I can't drift thru life lost in my thoughts of the past. I would miss out on so much more than I have already missed. He is doing so much more than he has in years, I have seen this and for the first time in months I believe he is trying to change. I can not change the past for it is gone but I can change my future by what I choose to do.

I choose to live my life not his. I refuse to worry about him and what he is doing with his life. If he changes his charter and becomes the man I fell in love with and the man I still love, we will make it. If he does not change his charter, this will come out in time just as his affairs have.

None of this is easy and it is one thing to say it or write it, but to actually do it is going to be the hardest part. All I can do is keep trying and believe that some where it will become more natural to do it this way than the way I have been doing things. Change takes time and effort. Good habits come from repetitive behavior.

How much can one do alone

I feel like I have read more on cheating and self awareness than any thing else in my life. It just becomes too much. I sort through these things to fit into my life but sometimes it becomes too much. There is not enough time in my day to read all the stuff I have found. My problems is I want to get past this so much that I started to copy every thing to my computer. I would save it to read later but later hasn't come by yet. I have become over whelmed.

I am at the point now that I know I can't do it alone any more. I am going to go for counseling for myself. I would love for him to go with but I need to help myself first. My whole life has been a struggle. I started worked back through my life as far as I can remember in a timeline fashion. Writing in my journal daily about my life from my youngest years forward. When I would remember something else from my past, I would add it in the timeline where it fit. I now see myself with more problems than I started with before. I can't sort it out any more alone.

I have tried to put every thing I have ever learned from past counseling in this present situation but it just isn't working here and now. Of all the things that could have happened in my life this is not one I thought I would ever have to deal with, with him. I did not believe he was capable of doing this to me or us. I have come to realize that he has also done this to himself. He made the choice to cheat.

I believe he is hurting deep inside himself and as I write this I wonder if he is not be aware of his deep pain and if he has a low self worth that he could do this to himself. They say that some times when someone is hurting they hurt themselves and do not realize who else may get hurt. I don't believe he was thinking of anyone at this time in his life.

I will always be a caring person no matter what happens to me. I can see that he has thing to deal with that are not connected to me. I know he was deeply hurt when his father died and that was the straw than broke him. He withdrew from life and everyone around him. I just didn't see it then. I am only now aware of things that have happened because I have been looking back. Today I start looking forward.

Things slowed down

When he finally opened up, he talked very little about his infidelity. That was the only time we really talked about it. Some small things from time to time but not much more. What he shared was more than I would have imagined. I process things so slow, that in time I had more questions and even less courage to talk about it.

We have been spending so much more time with each other in a more personal way than we ever have. We have also become more aware of what we say to each other and how we say things. Communication is way more complicated than one would think. It doesn't take much to hit a nerve with one word and turn something in the wrong direction.

I am afraid of rocking the boat we are on, it has been so much better than it has ever been. Bringing the subject up seems to be harder with time. I have read things about not asking, wait for him to open up in his time, giving him a safe place for him to talk. I have also read - ask every thing you need to know but think about it, do you really want to know this and how much will it help or hurt you to know.

I wonder where is my safe place? It's gone. Then there is this one - remain calm and listen. Your heart is ripped out, world turned upside down and you remain calm. How does that happen? Do they know what you are going thru? Do they research how to understand you and how to open up and how you will fall apart and allow you to?

They panic when you show emotions, so how do you get thru this with out emotions. My best advice, the best you can. I have done so many of the wrong things and some right things. But I remain me by being and doing the best I can under the circumstances. You have to decide what you can and can't deal with. Weather you can go on with what you know and how much your marriage is worth to you.

I remain on the fence on several issues but I am not giving up yet. I can't, we are all only human and make mistakes. With that said. Time is the only way I will ever know where I stand. There are to many unanswered questions to make a life long decision now.

They say time heals all wounds, so lets see.