I trusted him with my life, he lost this and it won't come back over night. I would do almost any thing for him before he broke my trust. I hate knowing that he had been unhappy for four years and I wasn't aware of it. I look back at the last four years thinking how could I ever feel the same again about the place we lived and the things we did together. I thought we were happy. Now it is all gone. I can't see these events in any other way but tainted. One loses so much more than trust.
It has not affected anyone else in our family, I won't allow this to get out. I know it won't help our marriage by keeping this to myself but it would hurt so many others. Its just one of the things I do, try not to hurt anyone needlessly. I am not protecting him from the shame of this getting out but from the rest of the family seeing him in the different way that I now do. It hurts deeper than any physical cut ever could.
The trust is gone the feelings of be safe and secure as well. I feel like I lost my best friend, my comfort zone is shatter. I question every thing. Nothing is safe, feels safe. I second guess every thing I do. How can you spend almost twenty years with some one and then just feel so empty, so lost and so alone. Broken trust takes away so much more than any one would ever know until they themselves go thought it. I don't recommend this to any one. But if you find yourself in this story seek help any where you can, for yourself. Keep going until you find peace. I am still going, still searching it is not easy but I have to find my peace at any cost.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
The days got longer and longer
I wasn’t sleeping much so the days were very long and when I did sleep, it didn’t last long. I would stay awake thinking, not being able to stop the thoughts running thru my head. I would wake from a dead sleep with thoughts that I could not escape. With little sleep the thoughts became a tangled mess in my mind. I would get up and write all my thoughts in my journal. Keeping track of what I was thinking gave me clarity and the chance to give each one more attention rather than just mindlessly spinning out of control.
I became more aware of what to search for, for help and what needed the most work. I would find some interesting articles and read each one, then I would save them on my computer labeled for the content like working on me, working on us, or what ever I felt it might fit in to my life. I needed to be able to reread them as needed. I have now read some of them more than three times. I found so much information that I could not read it all in a day and I could not process them all in a day either. Any more than I could process the things we talked about. I needed to ask the same questions of him over and over again. Some things sunk in some did not. I had to now write the questions out and when he answered them I wrote that as well. I still asked them over and over again because I was trying to deal with so much.
It amazed me how much I found on the Internet. I felt like it was just what I was thinking. How could anyone know what I felt or thought? Because the emotions that come from being cheated on are the same for everyone. It’s how you as an individual deal with this that is different. I realized that my whole life has contributed to the way I was dealing with this. I went back to my journal and started to write every event in my life I could remember that caused me pain. To focus on my life and how I dealt with it or didn’t deal with it, made me realize how much I needed to work on me just as much as I needed to work on us.
I wanted to work on me but who was I anyway? I have been a mom and a wife longer than anything. Some where along the way I put myself on the back burner and forgot I was there. I tried to focus on me and me alone but it lasted a very short time. I have always put myself last and changing this is not going to be easy either. My children are older and moved on with families of their own. But my role as a wife to me means I still have a husband to care for and a house that needs my touch. I now need to learn how to care for me and he needs to learn to put me first once and a while. Its a balance of the two of us rather than just one of us. I put him first and so did he.
He is helping around the house more and he is helping me see that I am just as important as he is, he is also working on being more aware of my needed and that they are met as well. I am trying to be patient with him and show him, he is safe here with me, that I will try to understand him in his way. We are working on talking to each other as well as listening to each other.
I became more aware of what to search for, for help and what needed the most work. I would find some interesting articles and read each one, then I would save them on my computer labeled for the content like working on me, working on us, or what ever I felt it might fit in to my life. I needed to be able to reread them as needed. I have now read some of them more than three times. I found so much information that I could not read it all in a day and I could not process them all in a day either. Any more than I could process the things we talked about. I needed to ask the same questions of him over and over again. Some things sunk in some did not. I had to now write the questions out and when he answered them I wrote that as well. I still asked them over and over again because I was trying to deal with so much.
It amazed me how much I found on the Internet. I felt like it was just what I was thinking. How could anyone know what I felt or thought? Because the emotions that come from being cheated on are the same for everyone. It’s how you as an individual deal with this that is different. I realized that my whole life has contributed to the way I was dealing with this. I went back to my journal and started to write every event in my life I could remember that caused me pain. To focus on my life and how I dealt with it or didn’t deal with it, made me realize how much I needed to work on me just as much as I needed to work on us.
I wanted to work on me but who was I anyway? I have been a mom and a wife longer than anything. Some where along the way I put myself on the back burner and forgot I was there. I tried to focus on me and me alone but it lasted a very short time. I have always put myself last and changing this is not going to be easy either. My children are older and moved on with families of their own. But my role as a wife to me means I still have a husband to care for and a house that needs my touch. I now need to learn how to care for me and he needs to learn to put me first once and a while. Its a balance of the two of us rather than just one of us. I put him first and so did he.
He is helping around the house more and he is helping me see that I am just as important as he is, he is also working on being more aware of my needed and that they are met as well. I am trying to be patient with him and show him, he is safe here with me, that I will try to understand him in his way. We are working on talking to each other as well as listening to each other.
Friday, May 30, 2008
The signs were there, so Why?
He told me it started over two years ago. Why had I not seen this? I can only guess that with my own health problems I was blind to the rest of my life. I also don't think I was strong enough to deal with it then. We had been to counseling in the past, years ago but it was because we both had been married before and brought that crap into our marriage. So with what I had learned there, I started to apply some of this to this new mountain I face.
For the first three weeks I only knew of the one email. I thought he needed some form of dirty talk and that we were not communicating to each other on the same level. It seemed like every day there was something on the television about cheating. I could not escape this in any way. I had to face the beast head on. He was not going to give me any insight without me asking first.
I saw on one of the morning news programs a guy who had been a cheater and now was happily married. Not to the same wife mind you but he started researching cheating and offers help now to anyone who wants it. I went to his site and read every thing I could. I even searched other sites. This was all before I knew just how much bigger this was and what it was that I was faced with. I studied sites about my personal issues as well as how to get him to open up to me without pushing him away. I was not very good at it but it was better than doing nothing and feeling like crap in the process.
With writing in my journal every day it gave me the insight to myself. The more I wrote the more I learned about myself. I came to realize that I also had problems that lead to his infidelity. I won't take responsibility for his actions just my role in myself. He made the choice to do this rather than come to me with his needs. That hurts just as much as the act itself. I had asked him for years how could I please him. He gave me no answers. That, rests on him. He knew with my limited mobility that sex was hard to do and painful. This has also caused me personal hurt from him, to know he did this when I couldn't please him or myself. I may never understand how anyone could do this to someone they are married to. I don't have this charter defect.
He started to work on himself and I did the same for me. We also tried to work on our marriage as well. We talked when we could and wrote when we could not. It took weeks for him to open up to me. This is not going to be easy for either of us. The ups and downs that come with this situation, one can not prepare for. All I could do was deal with things one at a time.
For the first three weeks I only knew of the one email. I thought he needed some form of dirty talk and that we were not communicating to each other on the same level. It seemed like every day there was something on the television about cheating. I could not escape this in any way. I had to face the beast head on. He was not going to give me any insight without me asking first.
I saw on one of the morning news programs a guy who had been a cheater and now was happily married. Not to the same wife mind you but he started researching cheating and offers help now to anyone who wants it. I went to his site and read every thing I could. I even searched other sites. This was all before I knew just how much bigger this was and what it was that I was faced with. I studied sites about my personal issues as well as how to get him to open up to me without pushing him away. I was not very good at it but it was better than doing nothing and feeling like crap in the process.
With writing in my journal every day it gave me the insight to myself. The more I wrote the more I learned about myself. I came to realize that I also had problems that lead to his infidelity. I won't take responsibility for his actions just my role in myself. He made the choice to do this rather than come to me with his needs. That hurts just as much as the act itself. I had asked him for years how could I please him. He gave me no answers. That, rests on him. He knew with my limited mobility that sex was hard to do and painful. This has also caused me personal hurt from him, to know he did this when I couldn't please him or myself. I may never understand how anyone could do this to someone they are married to. I don't have this charter defect.
He started to work on himself and I did the same for me. We also tried to work on our marriage as well. We talked when we could and wrote when we could not. It took weeks for him to open up to me. This is not going to be easy for either of us. The ups and downs that come with this situation, one can not prepare for. All I could do was deal with things one at a time.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
It got harder to face the day
I had spent three days reading thousands of his emails, each one that I found was worst than the last. I felt I had no idea who I was married to anymore. Had my whole life been a lie? I broke down crying uncontrollability. I could not cope or process any of this. He had no idea why I was so upset. After all, he only knew about the email I saw three weeks earlier.
I asked questions of him with out being specific. I was hoping he would some how open up to me and tell me before I told him what I knew. I even asked him if it was better to tell someone what they knew or be found out first. He said it would be better to tell rather than be found out. That did not get him to open up to me.
He was once a bill collector and always said to find a debtor you need to think like one of them. So I started to think like him, not myself. I hacked several email accounts using things he would say in his own ways. I learned to look for things in places I had no idea excised, and I learned how to find things in more than one place. I researched lots of things along the way on cheating, communicating, you name it its out there. You just need to keep in mind all this information comes from someone’s point of view. So consider the source and use what feels right for you.
On day four after hacking his email, I couldn't go on with what I knew, that he didn't know I knew.... I sat face to face with him and told him everything I found in his emails. I was trembling with fear of the worst, he would now tell me it was over, he and I. This set him in a spin. He secrets where out and now he knew it. Over the next few days he was tested for STD’s, his own doing, this was a big step for him. I told him that I have always stood behind him on every thing over the years but today I will be by his side and when I couldn't be beside him I would still have his back.
I was going thru my own personal struggle for the last three years. I have had health problems that left my day to day living very hard to cope with. The person I was, was gone and what was in her place was a shell of this woman.
He now knew, what I knew. He needed time to process what I had told him. The days were long and the tears were there for both of us. He started a blog for he and I to reach out to each other. That blog is called - We Write To Heal, this is a private blog for the two of us. He started this and included me right from the start. We would post to each other when we felt we could not speak out loud. It help heal the gap and allowed us to open up to each other more than we have ever done.
I asked questions of him with out being specific. I was hoping he would some how open up to me and tell me before I told him what I knew. I even asked him if it was better to tell someone what they knew or be found out first. He said it would be better to tell rather than be found out. That did not get him to open up to me.
He was once a bill collector and always said to find a debtor you need to think like one of them. So I started to think like him, not myself. I hacked several email accounts using things he would say in his own ways. I learned to look for things in places I had no idea excised, and I learned how to find things in more than one place. I researched lots of things along the way on cheating, communicating, you name it its out there. You just need to keep in mind all this information comes from someone’s point of view. So consider the source and use what feels right for you.
On day four after hacking his email, I couldn't go on with what I knew, that he didn't know I knew.... I sat face to face with him and told him everything I found in his emails. I was trembling with fear of the worst, he would now tell me it was over, he and I. This set him in a spin. He secrets where out and now he knew it. Over the next few days he was tested for STD’s, his own doing, this was a big step for him. I told him that I have always stood behind him on every thing over the years but today I will be by his side and when I couldn't be beside him I would still have his back.
I was going thru my own personal struggle for the last three years. I have had health problems that left my day to day living very hard to cope with. The person I was, was gone and what was in her place was a shell of this woman.
He now knew, what I knew. He needed time to process what I had told him. The days were long and the tears were there for both of us. He started a blog for he and I to reach out to each other. That blog is called - We Write To Heal, this is a private blog for the two of us. He started this and included me right from the start. We would post to each other when we felt we could not speak out loud. It help heal the gap and allowed us to open up to each other more than we have ever done.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
My world had ended
It was just eight weeks ago, seems like a life time and yet just the other day sometimes. I was shocked that he could do this to me, us. How? Why? When? Was all I could think of. It started with a statement from him one night that he was going to get up early to do something for someone long before he needed to leave. I couldn't help but think this was odd.
When I heard him in the shower that morning I got up. I saw his I pod just sitting there. My gut made me look, without knowing what I was doing I stumbled thru it. I hit the right button and there in front of me an email sent out on Valentines day to her!
Oh my god, I ran to his bathroom and demanded he get out to talk to me. Finally he did and I told him, he was cheating on me and what I saw. I wish I had read the emails before I gave it back but my mind was not present at the time so all I saw was the subject of that email. It was enough to start something I thought I would never get over.
I started a journal that day and have written in it ever since. I spent three and a half weeks upset over just that email. When one day my gut got me to checking his email account online. I typed password after password until I got in. What I found over the next three days was far worst than just an email to a person thousands of miles away.
I won't go in to all the details of what was found but I will do my best to put what I have been thru here, in hopes of helping someone else like me. I had joined a chat line hoping for help but all I got was judged for staying in this marriage.
You won't be judged by me that is not my place. We all need a place to feel safe, I have my Personal Journal and you have me. What happened over the last eight weeks and how I am healing each week will come in bits and pieces. Help should not come with a price tag.
When I heard him in the shower that morning I got up. I saw his I pod just sitting there. My gut made me look, without knowing what I was doing I stumbled thru it. I hit the right button and there in front of me an email sent out on Valentines day to her!
Oh my god, I ran to his bathroom and demanded he get out to talk to me. Finally he did and I told him, he was cheating on me and what I saw. I wish I had read the emails before I gave it back but my mind was not present at the time so all I saw was the subject of that email. It was enough to start something I thought I would never get over.
I started a journal that day and have written in it ever since. I spent three and a half weeks upset over just that email. When one day my gut got me to checking his email account online. I typed password after password until I got in. What I found over the next three days was far worst than just an email to a person thousands of miles away.
I won't go in to all the details of what was found but I will do my best to put what I have been thru here, in hopes of helping someone else like me. I had joined a chat line hoping for help but all I got was judged for staying in this marriage.
You won't be judged by me that is not my place. We all need a place to feel safe, I have my Personal Journal and you have me. What happened over the last eight weeks and how I am healing each week will come in bits and pieces. Help should not come with a price tag.
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