Two steps forward, one step back.

I’ve been up since 3:30 AM. Sleep is a luxury I don’t have. A few weeks ago I had to see the psychiatrist at counseling and I was given an antidepressant. It has helped but it doesn’t take away the painful thoughts of his infidelity. I really did not want to take them but I am much calmer, not crying with every painful thought but the need to know things are still haunting me. I hate to go, I hate the place I have to go to and I hate that I have to take antidepressants because of what has happened but I will continue to go for me. I need this for me. I can only do what I need to for me anymore. That means take the med's, go to counseling and open up when I am there.

I have opened up a little about what I am going through without the words "he cheated". The counselor talked about relationships what makes them work and what makes them fail. I feel like she was trying to get me personally to open up. It worked. I have talked about trust, honesty and loyalty. I saw myself on the board under what makes a relationship work with two areas I need to work on. I saw him mostly on the side of fail with a few areas that did not fit him. There were some areas on the work side that did fit him as well. That gives me some hope for us.

One can not explain what it is like to any degree of full understanding, when your spouse cheats. Each and every one of us will react in similar ways but also very different. The only common thread is we were betrayed by infidelity.

I wouldn’t be in this place of mass confusion if he hadn’t cheated and that makes me even more upset. My lack of sleep, my crying, depression, low self worth are all multiplied by his actions. My obsession with what he has done over runs my mind. He dishonest ways has caused me to question every thing. I search for clarity in my mind and him any where I can.

I feel like I am trying to hard to get past this. My struggle these days is with myself. The steps I take, the set backs I face. I guess as long as I always move forward more than back I will get there. But where is there? I am not sure of this at this time but I will keep trying to learn from what I do. I have hope and have not given up on my life yet or my marriage. Some how it will all work out for the best for me.