I just finished reading this and found it the best thing I have read in a while and wanted to share if I can, hope it helps someone else.
http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2010/05/why-your-thoughts-are-lies.html
http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2010/01/lies-and-lying-liars-who-tell-them.html
http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2010/08/creating-door-to-your-future.html
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Still here
I am still here wondering where it all went so wrong. Try as hard as I can to move on it just seems to linger. I live with the hope that a new day brings with it new hope of answers. He says he loves me, I believe him. He has shown me in many ways a new man and tries harder each day to prove to me his love. But the things I still need are answers or at best the effort to try to find them.
He does not search the Internet for ways to understand me/women in general or my feelings the way I do to understand him/men in general. The things I have read, twist me. I feel I have done so much wrong and it is also my fault he cheated. He does know my looks very well and has most of them down to the letter. It amazes me the way he does this. I believe the way he understands me maybe the way he wants to be understood and I feel the same way towards him. Neither of us are wrong in this but I think we both need to at least see the others side.
If I could just let go. Really let go of this and live as if we just met, it may be different. But how do you just start over when you can't let go of the pain they have caused by being selfish. Yes, Selfish is what it takes to cheat and not think of the one you hurt. We have talked about this and he admitted it was selfish and has apologized.
He seems sincere and has cried several times when we talk. I don't believe he would do this just to fool me. I believe him but still who wants to be taken for the fool again. I forgave him months ago for the infidelity but I can get past the fact that we haven't talked about it the way I need to. Maybe he doesn't need to talk about it and can move on this way but I can't and isn't it about what we both need to move on that matters?
I have met his needs when he asked for changes in our marriage, so why can't he just give a little my way? I know I have not handled this the best way from the start but I have opened up to him honestly and tell him how I feel and why. I don't believe he really hears me! I just want to be heard...... am I wrong here?
He does not search the Internet for ways to understand me/women in general or my feelings the way I do to understand him/men in general. The things I have read, twist me. I feel I have done so much wrong and it is also my fault he cheated. He does know my looks very well and has most of them down to the letter. It amazes me the way he does this. I believe the way he understands me maybe the way he wants to be understood and I feel the same way towards him. Neither of us are wrong in this but I think we both need to at least see the others side.
If I could just let go. Really let go of this and live as if we just met, it may be different. But how do you just start over when you can't let go of the pain they have caused by being selfish. Yes, Selfish is what it takes to cheat and not think of the one you hurt. We have talked about this and he admitted it was selfish and has apologized.
He seems sincere and has cried several times when we talk. I don't believe he would do this just to fool me. I believe him but still who wants to be taken for the fool again. I forgave him months ago for the infidelity but I can get past the fact that we haven't talked about it the way I need to. Maybe he doesn't need to talk about it and can move on this way but I can't and isn't it about what we both need to move on that matters?
I have met his needs when he asked for changes in our marriage, so why can't he just give a little my way? I know I have not handled this the best way from the start but I have opened up to him honestly and tell him how I feel and why. I don't believe he really hears me! I just want to be heard...... am I wrong here?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Where did it all go wrong
I some times miss the days of ignorant bliss, the days when I loved him so deeply that he had unspeakable trust. The days when I never questioned the long hours spent somewhere else. I thought deep in my soul that he loved me. I trusted him with my life.
Back in our early days of dating he had a friend tell him that the next woman he married, he needed to find her while he was a car salesmen. That she would have to understand and except his long hours or he shouldn't marry her. If he didn't she would nag him every day about his long hours on the job.
Hearing this story and knowing this was part of who he was, I knew I would have to except all of him. I never wanted to be the nagging wife, my mom nagged my father and they fought all the time. It make for a very hard childhood. I knew when I became a wife and mom I was never going to be my Mother.
So we married and he worked long days and I never complained once. I thought I was being the good wife. He worked six days a week and I did every thing I could while he was away. I did not want him to have to work on his one day off and I wanted him to spend it with me. He worked like this for years and still I said nothing.
I waited each night no matter how late it was for him to come home for dinner. Waiting for the call he's coming home. I would cook dinner, have it hot and ready each night. I didn't want him coming home to a plate in the frig, me in bed and a note on how long to microwave it.
His first wife cooked very little and when she did it was in the microwave or from a box. This was not me at all and I wanted to show him I was a good wife and good cook. Little did I know that this was just a small part of being a good wife. You need to be there to listen and be listened to. Talk about even the uncomfortable things. One of the problems with our marriage is neither of us did any of this for each other.
Looking back I now see there was another way. I should have supported his hard work with more comments and understanding, like how hard he was working for us but how much I missed having him home with me. I should have shown him love in many other ways. We both did not fill each others needs nor did we ask for our needs to be met.
Back in our early days of dating he had a friend tell him that the next woman he married, he needed to find her while he was a car salesmen. That she would have to understand and except his long hours or he shouldn't marry her. If he didn't she would nag him every day about his long hours on the job.
Hearing this story and knowing this was part of who he was, I knew I would have to except all of him. I never wanted to be the nagging wife, my mom nagged my father and they fought all the time. It make for a very hard childhood. I knew when I became a wife and mom I was never going to be my Mother.
So we married and he worked long days and I never complained once. I thought I was being the good wife. He worked six days a week and I did every thing I could while he was away. I did not want him to have to work on his one day off and I wanted him to spend it with me. He worked like this for years and still I said nothing.
I waited each night no matter how late it was for him to come home for dinner. Waiting for the call he's coming home. I would cook dinner, have it hot and ready each night. I didn't want him coming home to a plate in the frig, me in bed and a note on how long to microwave it.
His first wife cooked very little and when she did it was in the microwave or from a box. This was not me at all and I wanted to show him I was a good wife and good cook. Little did I know that this was just a small part of being a good wife. You need to be there to listen and be listened to. Talk about even the uncomfortable things. One of the problems with our marriage is neither of us did any of this for each other.
Looking back I now see there was another way. I should have supported his hard work with more comments and understanding, like how hard he was working for us but how much I missed having him home with me. I should have shown him love in many other ways. We both did not fill each others needs nor did we ask for our needs to be met.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Life lessons
All I can say is life lessons. Wow, who knew I would learn so much about infidelity, not I. I also never thought I would be in this place once again. I had a husband who cheated, not once but several times. When I choose to leave him, I thought I would never be in this place again. How wrong I was. I now know that if you don’t handle your problems they will come back to haunt you. Yes, I thought it was his problem and it would stay with him. By not knowing or understanding infidelity I became a causality of it all over again.
Had I known it was also my problem, I might not be where I am today. I would have known what to look for and I would have learned how to have an open, honest relationship. I had no idea how to communicate to someone in a relationship. It’s funny, not communicate! I thought you talk - they listen, they talk - you listen, end of story. Communication goes way deeper than this. If I had taken the time to understand it then, I would have seen him in trouble and known what to ask to help stop the heart ache that we both feel.
He was deeply hurting before he cheated and when I wasn’t there for him he must have felt so alone and empty. This hurts me just as deep as his infidelity. I have learned quite a bit about infidelity and I can’t say I know exactly what to say or what to look for but I am trying to learn.
I am also learning a lot about myself. I would have never thought that his infidelity would help me to learn about myself but it has. This is where it is my problem and why it has once again come in to my life. I don’t listen and I react badly when someone tried to talk to me. I am unapproachable, this saddens me to a new low today. How will we ever get beyond this if I don’t change. Can I change? I am not sure. It may be best for him if I just walk away. Listening and not reacting is going to be one of the biggest things for me to learn how to do.
I find it hard to believe it will be almost two years from discovery in just a few short weeks. This scares me to death. We are not as far as I had hoped we would be. This is my fault and I told him communication would be our down fall. Can I hang on…………. Or should I just let go?
Had I known it was also my problem, I might not be where I am today. I would have known what to look for and I would have learned how to have an open, honest relationship. I had no idea how to communicate to someone in a relationship. It’s funny, not communicate! I thought you talk - they listen, they talk - you listen, end of story. Communication goes way deeper than this. If I had taken the time to understand it then, I would have seen him in trouble and known what to ask to help stop the heart ache that we both feel.
He was deeply hurting before he cheated and when I wasn’t there for him he must have felt so alone and empty. This hurts me just as deep as his infidelity. I have learned quite a bit about infidelity and I can’t say I know exactly what to say or what to look for but I am trying to learn.
I am also learning a lot about myself. I would have never thought that his infidelity would help me to learn about myself but it has. This is where it is my problem and why it has once again come in to my life. I don’t listen and I react badly when someone tried to talk to me. I am unapproachable, this saddens me to a new low today. How will we ever get beyond this if I don’t change. Can I change? I am not sure. It may be best for him if I just walk away. Listening and not reacting is going to be one of the biggest things for me to learn how to do.
I find it hard to believe it will be almost two years from discovery in just a few short weeks. This scares me to death. We are not as far as I had hoped we would be. This is my fault and I told him communication would be our down fall. Can I hang on…………. Or should I just let go?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Feeling like I am still moving forward
Back in April I did something that started out for him. As the days passed, I became aware it helped me more than anything and I believe in time it will benefit us.
I went through my computer and printed everything I had on him. All the emails he received, all his email address's, the list of all his sites and passwords for them. Then I deleted it all from my PC, even the sites I joined looking for him, all the bookmarks on my browsers to his sites, history in the browsers of where I have been and I gave it all to him. I told him I no longer want what he won’t give me. I had asked for the list of this and never got them, now I don’t want them.
I needed to give him the things I took from him that he did not want me to ever know about. I question how he can say he wants to be married to me, share his life with me and not share his life with me.
I talked to him about what I had been doing all morning when he got home and passed the pile of papers to him. I said more than once that I would back off and this time I must keep my word. I have to, not only to show him but to prove to myself that I mean what I say.
Doing this has helped me to stop driving myself crazy over what he has done. I do believe this had slowed him down from dealing with this. I more I pushed the more he would hold on to this.
I am still reading my book we ordered but find it hard some days so I don’t read on these days. I get emails from this site we started to work on, the one with this book. The last email I got had two days this week where they were doing teleconferences with couples who have been where we are. I registered for the first one but choice not to call in after we started to talk the other night. I just was not in the right mind set to deal with it. I registered for the second one just hours before it was to start.
We called in together and listened to their brief story. The word journey came up several times. I have been writing about my journey in a few places and this hit home. They talked about everyone going through this is on their own journey and the time it takes is very different for each.
Tammy talked about forgiveness, she had to forgive herself for staying in the marriage. I felt connected by this. I had said three years ago I would not stay if he cheated and here I am still staying. I need to work on this for me, forgive myself for staying. I need to take my own advice and stand behind my words from now on.
I have felt like I have been doing so much wrong here but I am doing this my way. The only way it will work for me, that I can live with. If continuing to live with him, sleep with him, love him is wrong than I am guilty. I won’t end my marriage until I know in my heart I have done all I can, right or wrong. I hope I learn the right things to do sooner rather than later.
I went through my computer and printed everything I had on him. All the emails he received, all his email address's, the list of all his sites and passwords for them. Then I deleted it all from my PC, even the sites I joined looking for him, all the bookmarks on my browsers to his sites, history in the browsers of where I have been and I gave it all to him. I told him I no longer want what he won’t give me. I had asked for the list of this and never got them, now I don’t want them.
I needed to give him the things I took from him that he did not want me to ever know about. I question how he can say he wants to be married to me, share his life with me and not share his life with me.
I talked to him about what I had been doing all morning when he got home and passed the pile of papers to him. I said more than once that I would back off and this time I must keep my word. I have to, not only to show him but to prove to myself that I mean what I say.
Doing this has helped me to stop driving myself crazy over what he has done. I do believe this had slowed him down from dealing with this. I more I pushed the more he would hold on to this.
I am still reading my book we ordered but find it hard some days so I don’t read on these days. I get emails from this site we started to work on, the one with this book. The last email I got had two days this week where they were doing teleconferences with couples who have been where we are. I registered for the first one but choice not to call in after we started to talk the other night. I just was not in the right mind set to deal with it. I registered for the second one just hours before it was to start.
We called in together and listened to their brief story. The word journey came up several times. I have been writing about my journey in a few places and this hit home. They talked about everyone going through this is on their own journey and the time it takes is very different for each.
Tammy talked about forgiveness, she had to forgive herself for staying in the marriage. I felt connected by this. I had said three years ago I would not stay if he cheated and here I am still staying. I need to work on this for me, forgive myself for staying. I need to take my own advice and stand behind my words from now on.
I have felt like I have been doing so much wrong here but I am doing this my way. The only way it will work for me, that I can live with. If continuing to live with him, sleep with him, love him is wrong than I am guilty. I won’t end my marriage until I know in my heart I have done all I can, right or wrong. I hope I learn the right things to do sooner rather than later.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Find yourself
Odd but true, find yourself within yourself. I have spent so much time questioning every aspect of my life. Lost at the thought my life with him has been a lie, a fairytale to only me. I have given myself to everyone around me and have suffered the loss of who I am in the process. With his infidelity came the loss of my marriage. What I believed we had is no long there.
The more I read in the marriage sites, men site, women site and relationship sites has only added more confusion to my life. I am limiting myself to just a few and giving it all I have in hopes of narrowing it down and illuminate the confusion.
The hardest thing to realize is HE has to do this his way with out me getting in the way. The more I talk the less he listens. The more my friend suggested what to read or watch about infidelity the less I wanted to do. It is a two way street. I have been sitting on the fence jumping back and forth to both side as the grief and sadness have moved me. It can't go on this way.
We spent one day talking about marriage from a site we found, weeks ago. This site touched me deeply, it is about a couple where she was cheated on, 18 years of marriage. I felt connected right away. In this site they talked about a book and we ordered it. He mentioned a video he found in a marriage site and we planed to watch it.
It took a few weeks before we watched the movie "Fireproof" it was a good movie and make me think about how couples treat each other. We made plans to watch it again. This is a slow process repairing our marriage and I have realized it will take more time than I even thought. Every site I have read talks about two plus years once you start. I was taken back by the thought of two years. It's been over a year since I found out about his infidelity and we have just begun. It takes what it takes, the question is can we make it?
I have said so many times that being a parent is the hardest job I have ever done. Now if we make it through this I believe surviving infidelity will be the hardest thing to do. But it takes team work, patients, talking and listening.
I have begun to read the book we ordered, feeling some of the aspects of my life in the pages. I believe it will give me the comfort of truly knowing I am not alone or at total fault here. It was just so easy to blame myself than to be angry at him, the man I adored so much. One never really sees it coming when they believe so much in the other spouse. When it happens it hits you harder than anything else in life.
The more I read in the marriage sites, men site, women site and relationship sites has only added more confusion to my life. I am limiting myself to just a few and giving it all I have in hopes of narrowing it down and illuminate the confusion.
The hardest thing to realize is HE has to do this his way with out me getting in the way. The more I talk the less he listens. The more my friend suggested what to read or watch about infidelity the less I wanted to do. It is a two way street. I have been sitting on the fence jumping back and forth to both side as the grief and sadness have moved me. It can't go on this way.
We spent one day talking about marriage from a site we found, weeks ago. This site touched me deeply, it is about a couple where she was cheated on, 18 years of marriage. I felt connected right away. In this site they talked about a book and we ordered it. He mentioned a video he found in a marriage site and we planed to watch it.
It took a few weeks before we watched the movie "Fireproof" it was a good movie and make me think about how couples treat each other. We made plans to watch it again. This is a slow process repairing our marriage and I have realized it will take more time than I even thought. Every site I have read talks about two plus years once you start. I was taken back by the thought of two years. It's been over a year since I found out about his infidelity and we have just begun. It takes what it takes, the question is can we make it?
I have said so many times that being a parent is the hardest job I have ever done. Now if we make it through this I believe surviving infidelity will be the hardest thing to do. But it takes team work, patients, talking and listening.
I have begun to read the book we ordered, feeling some of the aspects of my life in the pages. I believe it will give me the comfort of truly knowing I am not alone or at total fault here. It was just so easy to blame myself than to be angry at him, the man I adored so much. One never really sees it coming when they believe so much in the other spouse. When it happens it hits you harder than anything else in life.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Personal Journal entry today -
April 3rd 2009 Friday -
I am here, where do I start? I spent a lot of time last night thinking over the last year. A year, wow. I thought about the last few days and what I have said to him as well as what he said to me. He said he gets close to talking to me but backs off. He said he can’t talk to me about how much he hurt me. But I have already been hurt and I am still hurting. I need him to show me he cares about us by talking to me about this to stop the hurt and heal. I don’t think he realizes how much this is continuing to hurt me.
I asked last summer for all access and never got it. I did get access to a few emails and new sites he joined as he went along. But never full access. I asked a few months ago for a list of all sites & passwords, again nothing. I asked again recently and got his reply of oh yes I need to do that and got nothing. I found out he still had some other emails accounts he had not gotten rid of nor had he given me access.
I said I would back off if that’s what he needed, stop bringing it up, stop talking about it. He said he did not want me to do that. But last night I needed to say a few more things and when he got home I mentioned I had a bad night but said he wouldn’t want to hear about it. I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t want to hear about it. He said great probably not. I felt the gut punch from the other room. It hit me, he does not nor will he ever deal with this, I no longer believe he will ever talk to me or give me all access. I see he has never been open with me and so here I am.
He did ask one more time what was wrong but I said I wasn't going there. I felt I had nothing to say that would do either of us any good. I felt for a moment that I understand his feelings of not being able to talk to me. I could not talk to him but the reason I can’t do it is because he is showing me he's not willing to talk to me. I think he is not willing to talk to me because he does not know how to say - it’s over.
His actions speak louder than words here. He never came forward on his own to talk to me and he never gave me any of what I asked for. He has given me more reasons to distrust him than he has to trust him.
I back away, I can’t force him to work on our marriage and I see he is not willing to do so. It just doesn’t get any clearer than this. So where do I go from here? I wish I knew and all I can do now is live one day at a time. Life is too short and this has been so hard already. But I just can’t do it alone.
He has shown me his unwillingness to work on this with me. Is it over? I can’t answer that now but I will have to find my way to a decision soon.
I am here, where do I start? I spent a lot of time last night thinking over the last year. A year, wow. I thought about the last few days and what I have said to him as well as what he said to me. He said he gets close to talking to me but backs off. He said he can’t talk to me about how much he hurt me. But I have already been hurt and I am still hurting. I need him to show me he cares about us by talking to me about this to stop the hurt and heal. I don’t think he realizes how much this is continuing to hurt me.
I asked last summer for all access and never got it. I did get access to a few emails and new sites he joined as he went along. But never full access. I asked a few months ago for a list of all sites & passwords, again nothing. I asked again recently and got his reply of oh yes I need to do that and got nothing. I found out he still had some other emails accounts he had not gotten rid of nor had he given me access.
I said I would back off if that’s what he needed, stop bringing it up, stop talking about it. He said he did not want me to do that. But last night I needed to say a few more things and when he got home I mentioned I had a bad night but said he wouldn’t want to hear about it. I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t want to hear about it. He said great probably not. I felt the gut punch from the other room. It hit me, he does not nor will he ever deal with this, I no longer believe he will ever talk to me or give me all access. I see he has never been open with me and so here I am.
He did ask one more time what was wrong but I said I wasn't going there. I felt I had nothing to say that would do either of us any good. I felt for a moment that I understand his feelings of not being able to talk to me. I could not talk to him but the reason I can’t do it is because he is showing me he's not willing to talk to me. I think he is not willing to talk to me because he does not know how to say - it’s over.
His actions speak louder than words here. He never came forward on his own to talk to me and he never gave me any of what I asked for. He has given me more reasons to distrust him than he has to trust him.
I back away, I can’t force him to work on our marriage and I see he is not willing to do so. It just doesn’t get any clearer than this. So where do I go from here? I wish I knew and all I can do now is live one day at a time. Life is too short and this has been so hard already. But I just can’t do it alone.
He has shown me his unwillingness to work on this with me. Is it over? I can’t answer that now but I will have to find my way to a decision soon.
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