Personal Journal entry today -

April 3rd 2009 Friday -

I am here, where do I start? I spent a lot of time last night thinking over the last year. A year, wow. I thought about the last few days and what I have said to him as well as what he said to me. He said he gets close to talking to me but backs off. He said he can’t talk to me about how much he hurt me. But I have already been hurt and I am still hurting. I need him to show me he cares about us by talking to me about this to stop the hurt and heal. I don’t think he realizes how much this is continuing to hurt me.

I asked last summer for all access and never got it. I did get access to a few emails and new sites he joined as he went along. But never full access. I asked a few months ago for a list of all sites & passwords, again nothing. I asked again recently and got his reply of oh yes I need to do that and got nothing. I found out he still had some other emails accounts he had not gotten rid of nor had he given me access.

I said I would back off if that’s what he needed, stop bringing it up, stop talking about it. He said he did not want me to do that. But last night I needed to say a few more things and when he got home I mentioned I had a bad night but said he wouldn’t want to hear about it. I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t want to hear about it. He said great probably not. I felt the gut punch from the other room. It hit me, he does not nor will he ever deal with this, I no longer believe he will ever talk to me or give me all access. I see he has never been open with me and so here I am.

He did ask one more time what was wrong but I said I wasn't going there. I felt I had nothing to say that would do either of us any good. I felt for a moment that I understand his feelings of not being able to talk to me. I could not talk to him but the reason I can’t do it is because he is showing me he's not willing to talk to me. I think he is not willing to talk to me because he does not know how to say - it’s over.

His actions speak louder than words here. He never came forward on his own to talk to me and he never gave me any of what I asked for. He has given me more reasons to distrust him than he has to trust him.

I back away, I can’t force him to work on our marriage and I see he is not willing to do so. It just doesn’t get any clearer than this. So where do I go from here? I wish I knew and all I can do now is live one day at a time. Life is too short and this has been so hard already. But I just can’t do it alone.

He has shown me his unwillingness to work on this with me. Is it over? I can’t answer that now but I will have to find my way to a decision soon.