It's been a year now, that's hard to believe!

I haven't written here for sometime now. I find it hard to do because the last thing I want to do is face it every day. This quote I saw in an email of his and makes be wonder - Life is too short to live the same day over. I have felt this way for so long now. I live the same day over and over. It makes me sad. I also wonder what this meant to him.

I just want to cry today. I have so much going on in my mind. I wish I could clean out my mind like one would do to a closet or cabinet. Toss out the things one dose not need or want any more. Just toss it out and move forward without giving it another thought. Thoughts and feels are not that easy to toss out. Having so much time on my hands does not help. I struggle with this, I watch him move forward with his life and know that I sit and watch mine stand still.

There is another quote I saw just yesterday that has me very upset. (What have I got to lose). It was in an email he sent to someone and they replied to him with - (OH WHAT THE HELL!!!! Im going for broke.....as you said, what HAVE i got to lose? * wink*). I guess he thought very little about me and what he would lose by his actions.

This email is from 2005, in fact it was just a few days before our anniversary. Why am I going back so far? Because I have no answers to the burning questions in my mind. I question why I just can't let go. I can't, I need to find peace for myself. I look for answers to the past in hopes of finding why this all happened in the first place. I wonder if I will ever have them or if I will ever feel free from the pain this has caused me.

I have given more than I get and now I want more. I know this could cause me to lose my marriage but he had needs and went where ever he wanted to, to fill them at any cost. I face the fact that it may be lost already or it may help me let go.

I had lost my access to him email back in February due to my adding his accounts to mine on my computer. I had no idea that he was no longer getting any of it because it was all coming to me. He gave me back this access on March 6th, after a long discussion about it feeling like a punishment for doing something wrong.

I had not been in his email since he took it away until yesterday. I went to just one of his accounts and looked back through his old emails, this time starting with the oldest stuff. Back when I first found my way into his email, almost a year ago I looked at the emails from the current day back to about 4 months. Since then I have only looked back from the current day to a few days past. I have forced myself to not search him out or look for trouble. But this is not why I look this week.

We talk more when I ask the questions or struggle with what has happened. I feel he may never just open up on his own. I feel he hasn't searched for the answers within himself, based only on what I see and hear from him. He may very well have searched and found or already know and not want to share it with me. I guess no more. I have stated my position to him, that I deserve better than what I have gotten from him in this marriage. I need and want the things he sought out in others but I want them with him.