Find yourself

Odd but true, find yourself within yourself. I have spent so much time questioning every aspect of my life. Lost at the thought my life with him has been a lie, a fairytale to only me. I have given myself to everyone around me and have suffered the loss of who I am in the process. With his infidelity came the loss of my marriage. What I believed we had is no long there.

The more I read in the marriage sites, men site, women site and relationship sites has only added more confusion to my life. I am limiting myself to just a few and giving it all I have in hopes of narrowing it down and illuminate the confusion.

The hardest thing to realize is HE has to do this his way with out me getting in the way. The more I talk the less he listens. The more my friend suggested what to read or watch about infidelity the less I wanted to do. It is a two way street. I have been sitting on the fence jumping back and forth to both side as the grief and sadness have moved me. It can't go on this way.

We spent one day talking about marriage from a site we found, weeks ago. This site touched me deeply, it is about a couple where she was cheated on, 18 years of marriage. I felt connected right away. In this site they talked about a book and we ordered it. He mentioned a video he found in a marriage site and we planed to watch it.

It took a few weeks before we watched the movie "Fireproof" it was a good movie and make me think about how couples treat each other. We made plans to watch it again. This is a slow process repairing our marriage and I have realized it will take more time than I even thought. Every site I have read talks about two plus years once you start. I was taken back by the thought of two years. It's been over a year since I found out about his infidelity and we have just begun. It takes what it takes, the question is can we make it?

I have said so many times that being a parent is the hardest job I have ever done. Now if we make it through this I believe surviving infidelity will be the hardest thing to do. But it takes team work, patients, talking and listening.

I have begun to read the book we ordered, feeling some of the aspects of my life in the pages. I believe it will give me the comfort of truly knowing I am not alone or at total fault here. It was just so easy to blame myself than to be angry at him, the man I adored so much. One never really sees it coming when they believe so much in the other spouse. When it happens it hits you harder than anything else in life.