Feeling like I am still moving forward

Back in April I did something that started out for him. As the days passed, I became aware it helped me more than anything and I believe in time it will benefit us.

I went through my computer and printed everything I had on him. All the emails he received, all his email address's, the list of all his sites and passwords for them. Then I deleted it all from my PC, even the sites I joined looking for him, all the bookmarks on my browsers to his sites, history in the browsers of where I have been and I gave it all to him. I told him I no longer want what he won’t give me. I had asked for the list of this and never got them, now I don’t want them.

I needed to give him the things I took from him that he did not want me to ever know about. I question how he can say he wants to be married to me, share his life with me and not share his life with me.

I talked to him about what I had been doing all morning when he got home and passed the pile of papers to him. I said more than once that I would back off and this time I must keep my word. I have to, not only to show him but to prove to myself that I mean what I say.

Doing this has helped me to stop driving myself crazy over what he has done. I do believe this had slowed him down from dealing with this. I more I pushed the more he would hold on to this.

I am still reading my book we ordered but find it hard some days so I don’t read on these days. I get emails from this site we started to work on, the one with this book. The last email I got had two days this week where they were doing teleconferences with couples who have been where we are. I registered for the first one but choice not to call in after we started to talk the other night. I just was not in the right mind set to deal with it. I registered for the second one just hours before it was to start.

We called in together and listened to their brief story. The word journey came up several times. I have been writing about my journey in a few places and this hit home. They talked about everyone going through this is on their own journey and the time it takes is very different for each.

Tammy talked about forgiveness, she had to forgive herself for staying in the marriage. I felt connected by this. I had said three years ago I would not stay if he cheated and here I am still staying. I need to work on this for me, forgive myself for staying. I need to take my own advice and stand behind my words from now on.

I have felt like I have been doing so much wrong here but I am doing this my way. The only way it will work for me, that I can live with. If continuing to live with him, sleep with him, love him is wrong than I am guilty. I won’t end my marriage until I know in my heart I have done all I can, right or wrong. I hope I learn the right things to do sooner rather than later.