He told me it started over two years ago. Why had I not seen this? I can only guess that with my own health problems I was blind to the rest of my life. I also don't think I was strong enough to deal with it then. We had been to counseling in the past, years ago but it was because we both had been married before and brought that crap into our marriage. So with what I had learned there, I started to apply some of this to this new mountain I face.
For the first three weeks I only knew of the one email. I thought he needed some form of dirty talk and that we were not communicating to each other on the same level. It seemed like every day there was something on the television about cheating. I could not escape this in any way. I had to face the beast head on. He was not going to give me any insight without me asking first.
I saw on one of the morning news programs a guy who had been a cheater and now was happily married. Not to the same wife mind you but he started researching cheating and offers help now to anyone who wants it. I went to his site and read every thing I could. I even searched other sites. This was all before I knew just how much bigger this was and what it was that I was faced with. I studied sites about my personal issues as well as how to get him to open up to me without pushing him away. I was not very good at it but it was better than doing nothing and feeling like crap in the process.
With writing in my journal every day it gave me the insight to myself. The more I wrote the more I learned about myself. I came to realize that I also had problems that lead to his infidelity. I won't take responsibility for his actions just my role in myself. He made the choice to do this rather than come to me with his needs. That hurts just as much as the act itself. I had asked him for years how could I please him. He gave me no answers. That, rests on him. He knew with my limited mobility that sex was hard to do and painful. This has also caused me personal hurt from him, to know he did this when I couldn't please him or myself. I may never understand how anyone could do this to someone they are married to. I don't have this charter defect.
He started to work on himself and I did the same for me. We also tried to work on our marriage as well. We talked when we could and wrote when we could not. It took weeks for him to open up to me. This is not going to be easy for either of us. The ups and downs that come with this situation, one can not prepare for. All I could do was deal with things one at a time.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
It got harder to face the day
I had spent three days reading thousands of his emails, each one that I found was worst than the last. I felt I had no idea who I was married to anymore. Had my whole life been a lie? I broke down crying uncontrollability. I could not cope or process any of this. He had no idea why I was so upset. After all, he only knew about the email I saw three weeks earlier.
I asked questions of him with out being specific. I was hoping he would some how open up to me and tell me before I told him what I knew. I even asked him if it was better to tell someone what they knew or be found out first. He said it would be better to tell rather than be found out. That did not get him to open up to me.
He was once a bill collector and always said to find a debtor you need to think like one of them. So I started to think like him, not myself. I hacked several email accounts using things he would say in his own ways. I learned to look for things in places I had no idea excised, and I learned how to find things in more than one place. I researched lots of things along the way on cheating, communicating, you name it its out there. You just need to keep in mind all this information comes from someone’s point of view. So consider the source and use what feels right for you.
On day four after hacking his email, I couldn't go on with what I knew, that he didn't know I knew.... I sat face to face with him and told him everything I found in his emails. I was trembling with fear of the worst, he would now tell me it was over, he and I. This set him in a spin. He secrets where out and now he knew it. Over the next few days he was tested for STD’s, his own doing, this was a big step for him. I told him that I have always stood behind him on every thing over the years but today I will be by his side and when I couldn't be beside him I would still have his back.
I was going thru my own personal struggle for the last three years. I have had health problems that left my day to day living very hard to cope with. The person I was, was gone and what was in her place was a shell of this woman.
He now knew, what I knew. He needed time to process what I had told him. The days were long and the tears were there for both of us. He started a blog for he and I to reach out to each other. That blog is called - We Write To Heal, this is a private blog for the two of us. He started this and included me right from the start. We would post to each other when we felt we could not speak out loud. It help heal the gap and allowed us to open up to each other more than we have ever done.
I asked questions of him with out being specific. I was hoping he would some how open up to me and tell me before I told him what I knew. I even asked him if it was better to tell someone what they knew or be found out first. He said it would be better to tell rather than be found out. That did not get him to open up to me.
He was once a bill collector and always said to find a debtor you need to think like one of them. So I started to think like him, not myself. I hacked several email accounts using things he would say in his own ways. I learned to look for things in places I had no idea excised, and I learned how to find things in more than one place. I researched lots of things along the way on cheating, communicating, you name it its out there. You just need to keep in mind all this information comes from someone’s point of view. So consider the source and use what feels right for you.
On day four after hacking his email, I couldn't go on with what I knew, that he didn't know I knew.... I sat face to face with him and told him everything I found in his emails. I was trembling with fear of the worst, he would now tell me it was over, he and I. This set him in a spin. He secrets where out and now he knew it. Over the next few days he was tested for STD’s, his own doing, this was a big step for him. I told him that I have always stood behind him on every thing over the years but today I will be by his side and when I couldn't be beside him I would still have his back.
I was going thru my own personal struggle for the last three years. I have had health problems that left my day to day living very hard to cope with. The person I was, was gone and what was in her place was a shell of this woman.
He now knew, what I knew. He needed time to process what I had told him. The days were long and the tears were there for both of us. He started a blog for he and I to reach out to each other. That blog is called - We Write To Heal, this is a private blog for the two of us. He started this and included me right from the start. We would post to each other when we felt we could not speak out loud. It help heal the gap and allowed us to open up to each other more than we have ever done.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
My world had ended
It was just eight weeks ago, seems like a life time and yet just the other day sometimes. I was shocked that he could do this to me, us. How? Why? When? Was all I could think of. It started with a statement from him one night that he was going to get up early to do something for someone long before he needed to leave. I couldn't help but think this was odd.
When I heard him in the shower that morning I got up. I saw his I pod just sitting there. My gut made me look, without knowing what I was doing I stumbled thru it. I hit the right button and there in front of me an email sent out on Valentines day to her!
Oh my god, I ran to his bathroom and demanded he get out to talk to me. Finally he did and I told him, he was cheating on me and what I saw. I wish I had read the emails before I gave it back but my mind was not present at the time so all I saw was the subject of that email. It was enough to start something I thought I would never get over.
I started a journal that day and have written in it ever since. I spent three and a half weeks upset over just that email. When one day my gut got me to checking his email account online. I typed password after password until I got in. What I found over the next three days was far worst than just an email to a person thousands of miles away.
I won't go in to all the details of what was found but I will do my best to put what I have been thru here, in hopes of helping someone else like me. I had joined a chat line hoping for help but all I got was judged for staying in this marriage.
You won't be judged by me that is not my place. We all need a place to feel safe, I have my Personal Journal and you have me. What happened over the last eight weeks and how I am healing each week will come in bits and pieces. Help should not come with a price tag.
When I heard him in the shower that morning I got up. I saw his I pod just sitting there. My gut made me look, without knowing what I was doing I stumbled thru it. I hit the right button and there in front of me an email sent out on Valentines day to her!
Oh my god, I ran to his bathroom and demanded he get out to talk to me. Finally he did and I told him, he was cheating on me and what I saw. I wish I had read the emails before I gave it back but my mind was not present at the time so all I saw was the subject of that email. It was enough to start something I thought I would never get over.
I started a journal that day and have written in it ever since. I spent three and a half weeks upset over just that email. When one day my gut got me to checking his email account online. I typed password after password until I got in. What I found over the next three days was far worst than just an email to a person thousands of miles away.
I won't go in to all the details of what was found but I will do my best to put what I have been thru here, in hopes of helping someone else like me. I had joined a chat line hoping for help but all I got was judged for staying in this marriage.
You won't be judged by me that is not my place. We all need a place to feel safe, I have my Personal Journal and you have me. What happened over the last eight weeks and how I am healing each week will come in bits and pieces. Help should not come with a price tag.
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