It got harder to face the day

I had spent three days reading thousands of his emails, each one that I found was worst than the last. I felt I had no idea who I was married to anymore. Had my whole life been a lie? I broke down crying uncontrollability. I could not cope or process any of this. He had no idea why I was so upset. After all, he only knew about the email I saw three weeks earlier.

I asked questions of him with out being specific. I was hoping he would some how open up to me and tell me before I told him what I knew. I even asked him if it was better to tell someone what they knew or be found out first. He said it would be better to tell rather than be found out. That did not get him to open up to me.

He was once a bill collector and always said to find a debtor you need to think like one of them. So I started to think like him, not myself. I hacked several email accounts using things he would say in his own ways. I learned to look for things in places I had no idea excised, and I learned how to find things in more than one place. I researched lots of things along the way on cheating, communicating, you name it its out there. You just need to keep in mind all this information comes from someone’s point of view. So consider the source and use what feels right for you.

On day four after hacking his email, I couldn't go on with what I knew, that he didn't know I knew.... I sat face to face with him and told him everything I found in his emails. I was trembling with fear of the worst, he would now tell me it was over, he and I. This set him in a spin. He secrets where out and now he knew it. Over the next few days he was tested for STD’s, his own doing, this was a big step for him. I told him that I have always stood behind him on every thing over the years but today I will be by his side and when I couldn't be beside him I would still have his back.

I was going thru my own personal struggle for the last three years. I have had health problems that left my day to day living very hard to cope with. The person I was, was gone and what was in her place was a shell of this woman.

He now knew, what I knew. He needed time to process what I had told him. The days were long and the tears were there for both of us. He started a blog for he and I to reach out to each other. That blog is called - We Write To Heal, this is a private blog for the two of us. He started this and included me right from the start. We would post to each other when we felt we could not speak out loud. It help heal the gap and allowed us to open up to each other more than we have ever done.