Opening up on a higher level

I am stepping put on that limb today and adding this page from my personal journal to She Writes To Heal. Why? Because I have written about things after they have happened and my thoughts are clearer then, today it is raw, writing as I think, you can’t get any closer than this to my thoughts.

Today is our anniversary. I am lost and I feel the need today more than ever to know why this happened. I search internet journals, knowing I won’t find his lost journal but hope to understand him more. He said he had a journal he was writing online and someone responded to him, they had a connection because they were both unhappy. He said they emailed each other and talked on the phone.

Why had he not come to me when he was in such a bad place in him life? I want to know what he was going through to cause him to cheat. He must have been in a lot of pain but was he? Was he just selfish? He could have made so many other choices so why this one? I don’t see him suffering by this, why does he not open up to me. Has he not truly gone to the place of acceptance of what he has done.

Am I that unapproachable. Have I shown him in the past that I would be so judgmental to him that he won’t open up? Or is he just going through life alone, giving only as little as necessary. I wish I could shut off my mind for the day and enjoy him. But I can’t help thinking he can’t, won’t or doesn’t know how to be in a personal relationship. What is he afraid of?

I feel he needs to go to counseling more than I. I know right from wrong when it come to marriage and commitment to one person. I have shared more of myself to him than he has to me. Are guys really not deep, feeling human beings. I know he has feelings, I have seen them in him for other people. His tender side, his compassion to strangers is more obvious than his feeling towards me. I need him to show me his inner most personal self.

In counseling yesterday we talked about talking to other the way we want to be talked to and treating others the way we want to be treated. I have always treated him with love and I once told him if I treated him the way he treated me, he wouldn't like me. If I stop sharing myself with him and thought only of myself, how far would we drift apart? I can't beg him to share himself with me and I can't keep trying to repair the damage alone. I feel I must let go of things and see what happens.

It is never easy

This is by far the hardest thing to deal with in my life. I feel like I lost a huge part of myself along the way. I struggle with the thoughts of his infidelity and what it has done to my sense of self worth, security and all over well being. How do you do this to someone your in love with! I spin out of control this week and have gotten to the point of seeking out personal counseling.

I have been obsessed with what he has done and maybe still doing. It’s hard not to be, when you look at what I do know and what I don’t know. It is also even harder to face that this, went on for as long as it did and I didn’t see it. I feel like the last several years have been a lie, they were and it is harder to now know what is the truth.

In counseling, I am hoping to find the woman I once was and hoping to be better than this woman I lost so long ago. I feel pretty good about the decisions I have made for myself today. I focus on myself and hold on to hope that he will make the necessary changes for himself. At some point one needs to make the decision to let go and heal oneself. I will try harder to heal myself and move forward with my life no matter what the out come is.

He has shown some good changes in the past weeks. I have had to open myself up to see these and to be more aware of them. I can't drift thru life lost in my thoughts of the past. I would miss out on so much more than I have already missed. He is doing so much more than he has in years, I have seen this and for the first time in months I believe he is trying to change. I can not change the past for it is gone but I can change my future by what I choose to do.

I choose to live my life not his. I refuse to worry about him and what he is doing with his life. If he changes his charter and becomes the man I fell in love with and the man I still love, we will make it. If he does not change his charter, this will come out in time just as his affairs have.

None of this is easy and it is one thing to say it or write it, but to actually do it is going to be the hardest part. All I can do is keep trying and believe that some where it will become more natural to do it this way than the way I have been doing things. Change takes time and effort. Good habits come from repetitive behavior.

How much can one do alone

I feel like I have read more on cheating and self awareness than any thing else in my life. It just becomes too much. I sort through these things to fit into my life but sometimes it becomes too much. There is not enough time in my day to read all the stuff I have found. My problems is I want to get past this so much that I started to copy every thing to my computer. I would save it to read later but later hasn't come by yet. I have become over whelmed.

I am at the point now that I know I can't do it alone any more. I am going to go for counseling for myself. I would love for him to go with but I need to help myself first. My whole life has been a struggle. I started worked back through my life as far as I can remember in a timeline fashion. Writing in my journal daily about my life from my youngest years forward. When I would remember something else from my past, I would add it in the timeline where it fit. I now see myself with more problems than I started with before. I can't sort it out any more alone.

I have tried to put every thing I have ever learned from past counseling in this present situation but it just isn't working here and now. Of all the things that could have happened in my life this is not one I thought I would ever have to deal with, with him. I did not believe he was capable of doing this to me or us. I have come to realize that he has also done this to himself. He made the choice to cheat.

I believe he is hurting deep inside himself and as I write this I wonder if he is not be aware of his deep pain and if he has a low self worth that he could do this to himself. They say that some times when someone is hurting they hurt themselves and do not realize who else may get hurt. I don't believe he was thinking of anyone at this time in his life.

I will always be a caring person no matter what happens to me. I can see that he has thing to deal with that are not connected to me. I know he was deeply hurt when his father died and that was the straw than broke him. He withdrew from life and everyone around him. I just didn't see it then. I am only now aware of things that have happened because I have been looking back. Today I start looking forward.

Things slowed down

When he finally opened up, he talked very little about his infidelity. That was the only time we really talked about it. Some small things from time to time but not much more. What he shared was more than I would have imagined. I process things so slow, that in time I had more questions and even less courage to talk about it.

We have been spending so much more time with each other in a more personal way than we ever have. We have also become more aware of what we say to each other and how we say things. Communication is way more complicated than one would think. It doesn't take much to hit a nerve with one word and turn something in the wrong direction.

I am afraid of rocking the boat we are on, it has been so much better than it has ever been. Bringing the subject up seems to be harder with time. I have read things about not asking, wait for him to open up in his time, giving him a safe place for him to talk. I have also read - ask every thing you need to know but think about it, do you really want to know this and how much will it help or hurt you to know.

I wonder where is my safe place? It's gone. Then there is this one - remain calm and listen. Your heart is ripped out, world turned upside down and you remain calm. How does that happen? Do they know what you are going thru? Do they research how to understand you and how to open up and how you will fall apart and allow you to?

They panic when you show emotions, so how do you get thru this with out emotions. My best advice, the best you can. I have done so many of the wrong things and some right things. But I remain me by being and doing the best I can under the circumstances. You have to decide what you can and can't deal with. Weather you can go on with what you know and how much your marriage is worth to you.

I remain on the fence on several issues but I am not giving up yet. I can't, we are all only human and make mistakes. With that said. Time is the only way I will ever know where I stand. There are to many unanswered questions to make a life long decision now.

They say time heals all wounds, so lets see.