It is never easy

This is by far the hardest thing to deal with in my life. I feel like I lost a huge part of myself along the way. I struggle with the thoughts of his infidelity and what it has done to my sense of self worth, security and all over well being. How do you do this to someone your in love with! I spin out of control this week and have gotten to the point of seeking out personal counseling.

I have been obsessed with what he has done and maybe still doing. It’s hard not to be, when you look at what I do know and what I don’t know. It is also even harder to face that this, went on for as long as it did and I didn’t see it. I feel like the last several years have been a lie, they were and it is harder to now know what is the truth.

In counseling, I am hoping to find the woman I once was and hoping to be better than this woman I lost so long ago. I feel pretty good about the decisions I have made for myself today. I focus on myself and hold on to hope that he will make the necessary changes for himself. At some point one needs to make the decision to let go and heal oneself. I will try harder to heal myself and move forward with my life no matter what the out come is.

He has shown some good changes in the past weeks. I have had to open myself up to see these and to be more aware of them. I can't drift thru life lost in my thoughts of the past. I would miss out on so much more than I have already missed. He is doing so much more than he has in years, I have seen this and for the first time in months I believe he is trying to change. I can not change the past for it is gone but I can change my future by what I choose to do.

I choose to live my life not his. I refuse to worry about him and what he is doing with his life. If he changes his charter and becomes the man I fell in love with and the man I still love, we will make it. If he does not change his charter, this will come out in time just as his affairs have.

None of this is easy and it is one thing to say it or write it, but to actually do it is going to be the hardest part. All I can do is keep trying and believe that some where it will become more natural to do it this way than the way I have been doing things. Change takes time and effort. Good habits come from repetitive behavior.