How much can one do alone

I feel like I have read more on cheating and self awareness than any thing else in my life. It just becomes too much. I sort through these things to fit into my life but sometimes it becomes too much. There is not enough time in my day to read all the stuff I have found. My problems is I want to get past this so much that I started to copy every thing to my computer. I would save it to read later but later hasn't come by yet. I have become over whelmed.

I am at the point now that I know I can't do it alone any more. I am going to go for counseling for myself. I would love for him to go with but I need to help myself first. My whole life has been a struggle. I started worked back through my life as far as I can remember in a timeline fashion. Writing in my journal daily about my life from my youngest years forward. When I would remember something else from my past, I would add it in the timeline where it fit. I now see myself with more problems than I started with before. I can't sort it out any more alone.

I have tried to put every thing I have ever learned from past counseling in this present situation but it just isn't working here and now. Of all the things that could have happened in my life this is not one I thought I would ever have to deal with, with him. I did not believe he was capable of doing this to me or us. I have come to realize that he has also done this to himself. He made the choice to cheat.

I believe he is hurting deep inside himself and as I write this I wonder if he is not be aware of his deep pain and if he has a low self worth that he could do this to himself. They say that some times when someone is hurting they hurt themselves and do not realize who else may get hurt. I don't believe he was thinking of anyone at this time in his life.

I will always be a caring person no matter what happens to me. I can see that he has thing to deal with that are not connected to me. I know he was deeply hurt when his father died and that was the straw than broke him. He withdrew from life and everyone around him. I just didn't see it then. I am only now aware of things that have happened because I have been looking back. Today I start looking forward.